& I’ll be sincere, or maybe even perhaps a little cavalier..

November 9, 2006

So, in my absence of the last 2 days, I failed to mention how I found my sister. Classmates.com had her name in their storage bank of 4 possible name searches. I paid for a special membership in hopes of sending her an e-mail that might reach her. I managed to luck out I’d say, considering the very slim chance I had of 1 out of 100 chances, and how Classmates.com had her listed under several different high schools.
I recieved a reply from her the very next morning..
[[“oh my lord!!

 It took me a bit to figure out who Linda Carlisle is!  LOL  Email me at personal _______gmail [sorry, I had to remove her e-mails] or buisness  __________.com

I’m on MSN messenger, although I use this email for garbage, and rarely check it.  I can chat a bit in the office but not all day long, it’s really busy. 

Where are you living now?  How is the family?  We are all doing well, Caitlin is 9 now in 4th grade.  

I can’t wait to tell Mom and Granny that you located me or vice versa!  :p  They ask about you!  ❤ 

 Get back in touch with me. 

Love you! ]]
I have managed to call my sister, my Granny, and my Mother, all in less than 3 days.

It wasn’t nearly as hard, or stressful as I had imagined it would be for the last 19 years. Talking to all of them was well .. fairly easy and uncomplicated. Its been a very long time since I have seen my mom, even longer since I have seen my Granny, but I have all of the updates required to stay on top of the latest events.

As for my other 2 sisters, I found out today that my oldest sister, Laurie is in Florida [exact location is still unknown] and my second oldest sister, Renee, is *gasp* in Joplin, Missouri. That frightens me to no-end, of course. Her location isn’t that far from where my children reside with their father. (Ben was with my sister when I met him.. [And, no, it wasn’t like that, so close your mouth].. how things transpired between us ins’t as bad as you’re assuming it to be. And too long and complicated to explain)
But as far as her far off future is concerned, well.. That shall be debatable and determined by her own deeds. She, currently, however has the police hot on her tracks for stealing money from a senior couples account, while she was apparently taking care of them.
The story goes that while she was caring for them, she was slowly cleaning out their savings and checking accounts, and that when they both passed away, she wiped out their accounts, left her husband and kids and took off, and has been on the wanted list for about 4 years now.

My Mom told me today that my father is [supposedly] dead (by my second oldest sisters accounts – but she can’t be trusted. She’s been a habitual liar for years)
Upon talking to my Mother Sunday afternoon (which led to a lot of closure, some tears, and forgiveness) I discovered that she never really knew the events of what really happened between my step father and myself. I didn’t ask her why she looked the other way during the suffering of beatings I had painstakingly received, she did however apologize and say that she never really understood why Tommy (my step-father) hated me so much.
I believe the way Tommy and I felt towards one another was mutual, no matter the reasoning or excuses.
She told me that he has emphysema and has to use oxygen to get by.  Sadly I acknowledge that there is still a deep dark side of me that wants to say “Good, he deserves it.” But, what I realized as my Mom continued to catch me up on the last 20 years of events, is that I don’t hate Tommy at all, (not anymore)
Yes, there was once a lot of hatred and resentment built up during my teenage years, but I guess I didn’t realize when I had forgiven him for what he had done to me. I can forgive him, but I will never forget the pain of it all.

         She also told me about her surgery in the Spring, earlier of this year. Suffering from diabetes for years, and not knowing it, she had a toe amputated on her foot, to save herself from losing her complete foot.
All of the weight that she had all of those years of me growing up at home, she’s lost in just a few months, and is down to 170.
I can asses how much she’s disappointed in how her skin looks.
As she was crying on the phone for a while, she began telling me that she lost her hair and that it will never grow back. She wears wigs when going out into the public circuit, but tries to refrain from getting out much at all. Usually she’s just out on Sundays to get the newspaper and go to the grocery store. 

  She doesn’t sound at all like the woman I knew as my mother when I left at 17. But then again, she’s also 65 now. And although I realize she sounds different, it still hurt to hear her cry.  I love my Mom and sisters very much (minus one) It’s painful to know that I can never get back what’s been neglected or missing all of these years. There’s no compensation for the sadness, no cosideration for the inadmirable, and no tolerance for the ill temperment of an a now old man. Regardless, I still wish there was something I could do to repay my Mother for the heartache I have caused her for being MIA for 19 years.
Mom told me that Tommy doesn’t hate me anymore. I selfishly assumed it was because he doesn’t have the energy or time to focus on hating others anymore because he’s got very little time left, and what he does have left is used  battling for his life. She said that they still don’t get along very well, but they do their best just to lessen the amount of stress.

     During the last 15 years, my Mom has been put through the grinder by my second oldest sister, Renee. Mom even went as low as calling her a whore. It came as shock to me, that’s for sure. (she also said that if Ben would take the time to fuck Renee, that he would sleep with anybody. I was taken aback a little bit then made the comment to her, “So, what are you saying, Mom? That I’m just like anybody else? Gee, thanks. I’ve missed you too.” Of course she giggled and told me that it wasn’t what she meant at all [I knew that. I just had to be an ass]

Over the years, Renee has managed to corrupt my Moms credit, fraud against her, has forged both Mom and Tommy’s name towards documents.  And all the while still living with them. It’s unbelievable how much one daughter can achieve in-between manipulation and taking advantage of a good thing and ruin a persons good name.
Renee is just worthless. Mom told me today that it was her own fault. I disagree. Although she felt responsible for helping my sister, because of her Grandson, Robbie (Bens other son) she didn’t deserve the treatment she got in return.
Renee being the conniving fuck that she is, took her own son and put him in a mental hospital 2 hours away, just so Mom couldn’t see him.
She left to run all over creation, leaving her own children unattended while she gallivanted all over god’s green earth, leaving a wake of disaster behind her.  I don’t hate my sister, but I don’t have to love her either.

I may not have been the best daughter, but I sure as hell didn’t run my mother into the ground by screwing her over.
I’m glad that after Robbie was released from that hospital, that he was able to spend the rest of his years growing up at Moms place.
Even Mom said she doesn’t hate Renee, but she did say however that she didn’t want her in any part of her life anymore. I guess I can’t blame her. I would most likely be the same way. Lord knows I’ve done my own list of bad things.
I told my Mom Sunday that I wished we had a closer family, and that maybe if we had us girls wouldn’t have turned out the way we have. I mean, I’m not all bad. But I didn’t exactly “try” to get in contact with her over the years (because of Tommy), or anyone else.
Sure, I looked for them online through searches and what not, but that doesn’t make me a good person. I didn’t follow up with anything that’s for damn sure.

I’m not disappointed with who I am, or any other such matter. I just wish I had a better (non-dysfunctional) family. Mom said if us girls had had a half decent, and better father, we would have turned a lot different.

Then upon hearing her say that, she told me how my oldest sister Laurie left. My Mom had her taken back to Alabama.

Apparently, due to my sister Renee, and I coming back home after hacing been gone for two years, there was a lot of stressful situations with my oldest sister, and her friends and her smoking marijuana. My sisters friends mother pulled a gun on our mom when she went to go and get Laurie from her friends house.. The next day, after school I came home to my sister being loaded up in a van with her clothes and things. Mom told me today that she had called the children’s home in Alabama and had them take her back because she couldn’t handle her, or something along those lines.
Mom told me that she never told us girls the real underlying reason for Lauries’ leaving because we were so young, and she didn’t think that we’d understand. I’m 37, and I still don’t understand.
        Laurie looks a lot like Stefanie in many ways. They have the same facial structure, same color hair and eyes. I haven’t seen my oldest sister since I was in 6th grade. I do wish I could locate her.
Even though I know about Renee and her bad doings, my family still isn’t complete until I find Laurie.
Mom said the last she heard, Laurie had married a lawyer and was living in Florida.
I may be a long way from finding myself and being complete with my family. That’s okay, it’s a beginning. And, that’s nothing compared to how much I have accomplished and discovered in the last 4 days. I will find my sister, I will. It will take me some time, but I’m determined.
I may have my days of feeling sorrow and sadness may get me down a time or two, but I’ve come a long way and covered a lot of ground this past week.
I know more things now than I ever knew and I know a lot more will be unearthed a long time from now, but a lot more will also be forgiven. I found a lot of closure  today while talking to my Mom. For the first time in years, I don’t feel so heavy  and empty inside my heart.

       I don’t know who to thank for what I have received this past week, but thank you anyway, to anyone who wants to claim it.


my sister, stefanie, her man Jay & Caitlin

November 2, 2006

It’s good to know you can still find some of your family .. Caitlin, 7..Stef & Jay

I have yet to talk to my Mom today, and my Granny.

I was surprised to know that my Mom had been asking about me.. considering.

But with patience, all things end with something good.

Its good to have my sister back in my life.

I ♥ her so much!


October 22, 2006

ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)
Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes
don’t know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They’re sloppy, fun drunks, and they get  mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a  good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you — so long as you haven’t gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS   (Apr 20 – May 20)
Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming
for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to  employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler — god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag  to a  karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI   (May 21 – Jun 21)
Drinking style: Gemini’s can drink without changing their behavior much– they’re so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it’s just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini’s possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round — repetition is boring  — and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER   (Jun 22 – Jul 22)
Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker — and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can’t it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists — and, in true
Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get “tired and emotional” (read: weepy when lubricated). But there’s nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you’d be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance — they’re often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they’re quite aware they’re darling – Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue — and perhaps not with the one who brought them. But Leo’s not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto
their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure — but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked — but, oh, when they do! Virgo’s controlled by the intellect, but there’s an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It’s dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, “I’m going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight.” A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA   (Sept 23 – Oct 23)
Drinking style: “I’m just a social drinker,” slurs Libra, “it’s just
that I’m so damn social.” Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to “on”) or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble — including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend’s beau or even blacking out the night’s events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO   (Oct 24 – Nov 21)
Drinking style: Don’t ever tell Scorpios they’ve had enough, for
they’ll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they’re hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if  you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool – though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they’re fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything — especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS   (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Drinking style: In vino veritas — and, for Sagittarius, in booze
blurtiness: When buttered, they’ll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They’re the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else — like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue (including a  high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN   (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical,

steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty — no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they’re either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS     (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don’t go together that well
(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they’re more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they’re throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they’re too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they’re usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES    (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Drinking style: If you’re a Pisces, you’ve probably already heard that
you share a sign and an addictive personality — with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they’re fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase “addictive personality” can be read two ways you know.

it’s so out of line to try to turn back time

October 12, 2006

I found myself today sifting through an old email address, one I haven’t used in over 3 years, at least.
I came across people I hadn’t forgotten of course, but those of whom have probably chosen to forget me.
I searched for them via MySpace, and found every one of them.
One in particular, was that of a person who was very close to my heart, one that disappeared then came back for a short while only to vanish again.
I found her profile, and sent her a message, hopeful in the suggestion that she would add me as a friend so we could catch up on time that has dissipated between the two of us. Apparently she doesn’t think of me as a friend any longer. Oh well.
Unfortunate things do happen. I only know that she read my comment, then left. There was no response, so I left it to myself to leave it as it is. Nothing.

That’s pretty much how I have found myself with a lot of things as of late, just leaving it as it sits. Disillusioned, unsettled and nothing more. Leaving it to just settle, because I’m tired of fighting for everything I believe in. I become unfocused and drained, sometimes almost wishing my mind hadn’t drifted back into some nether part of my life. But my mind does it own thing.
Very little effect of anything else can be done to make anything different, brighter or better. I don’t want to feel like I have given up on anything, but I can feel in my heart that I have done exactly the opposite of what I have seemed so desperate to teach my self. I know why, but I won’t admit it.

And I won’t admit it because I don’t want to face it. Everything is as it is for a reason. I may never know what those reasons entail, but I do at some point have to stop looking for answers to everything. Sometimes people just don’t want to give answers, and some purposely vanish to never want to be found again.

They come and they go, to go on further with their lives to relive a born resemblance of what they wish to achieve, regardless of the people it hurts in the process. Sometimes people just do what they have to do.
I still remember everyone that has held any amount of prominence in my life.

But what good comes of you trying to contact those said people? What can you possiblt try to accomplish when you hear that old, but too familiar voice say, “I don‘t want to talk to you anymore.”

Stupidly in a feeling of overwhelming flushed emotions I ask, “Why?” only to have, “Because I don’t want to” with a snide huff at the end of what was only a few seconds of silence. A silence that was so dark and strange that deaf ears could have chocked on the thickness of it all.

With tears silently falling you realize everything that originated your demise is everything you would give to take it all back. But it’s so out of line to try to turn back time.

I have known enough people to populate a small island, and yet I only have a handful of friends. The truth is this: you start out in the same place with people, but everyone takes a different path. There have been many people whom I thought I was born to be with, whom I thought I would fight every battle with for the rest of our crossed lives. You never really say goodbye to these people. They just fade away. I don’t blame anyone, though. Nor will I say that I am guilty of changing, though I have changed; there is no guilt involved. I am proud of who I have become, and the aching fear of that I have left behind. Nobody will convince me of feeling otherwise.

It’s just so complicatedly sad and dysfunctional how we tend to lose the very people that are close to us all in the same process of how we encountered one another.

Song: Hurt – Christina Aguilera